Contrastingly, my non-depressed self is much less judgmental. When I’m not depressed, I take full advantage of my positive thinking; I don’t waste anytime agonizing or getting angry about my depression. I’m just thankful that my thoughts are back to normal. I seem to focus more on productivity, the exciting future and love.
What’s the most threatening or perhaps impressive aspect to my depression is how persuasive it can be. For example, when I’m in a depressed state of mind, listening to someone honking in traffic can morph into an entire web of critical thinking about society. My thoughts will start at the nuisance of noise pollution, then the thoughts will zoom out onto the hopeless state of mankind.
Ultimately, and probably what frightens my friends and family the most, I will end up thinking things like “I have no place in this world. I don’t fit in. I will never fit in. All my successes have been a pathetic attempt at coping with this life. In reality, it’s all meaningless. Eventually all the beautiful animals will become extinct from all the destruction of habitat caused by stupid human antics like honking. I will be stuck here having to witness the detriment of mother earth, all the while tricking people into thinking I can handle it all. My life will be one sad attempt at finding happiness in a place it doesn’t exist.” So depressing right?
If I’m not depressed a loud honk will annoy me, but then it will dissipate from my thoughts almost immediately. The chasm between authentic me and depressed me is wide; this fractures my sense of self. It’s hard to sort what I really feel during bouts of depression because depression tends to usurp my hope. I truly believe my true self is not my depressed self, which is probably why so many advise, “don’t trust your negative thinking!”
My depressed and sneaky self argues back, “why shouldn’t you trust it? It’s a dose of reality. Time to face the truth about life on this earth: it sucks. Don’t trust your positive thinking. Life is not a Disney movie.” I argue back, “Life is most certainly not a Disney movie. But it doesn’t have to be a tragedy either. Plus there’s always the beach, and love, and happiness too.” The argument never ends between the two. It seems like a fight to the death. However, it is this conflict between my frames of mind that fuels my passion for investigation and critical thinking. I think because it’s always been a challenge to navigate my moods in life, the process of deciphering the truth is a quest that literally starts within me.
I’m so pleased to announce that three of my poems, “Slots,” “Scraping” and “Make a Decision” have been published in Barking Sycamores Literary Magazine Issue 13. Barking Sycamores is dedicated to neurodivergent literature and its craft. I’m so honored to be a part of this project. Barking Sycamores Issue 13
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