After these 16 days end, I’ll be a married woman (wtf?!). Describing myself as not only “married” but also as a “woman” feels surreal. Throughout the whirlwind of making plans, meeting vendors, and paying giant bills, I sometimes lose touch with the essence of the whole thing. Sitting back in my office chair, I find a minute to remember why this money sucking venture got started in the first place.
The process of getting married feels undeniably conventional. Every cliché in the book repeats itself numerous times in front of you. For example, I’m really broke right now, squeezing money out of my account like I do toothpaste out of a near empty tube. I’m also so tired of making appointments, keeping appointments and worrying about meetings with the planner or the cake lady. I just hope I can make it to the wedding. This reminds me of running Cross Country and Track in high school when during the last quarter mile of a race, no one, not even I, was sure I’d be able to cross the finish line consciously.
I’m actually employing some of the same stamina strategies I used as a runner, thinking of the big bold prize at the end to keep these skinny feet moving. I tell my fiancé about some of the things I’m looking forward to; this helps to keep us in the fluffy clouds of romance rather than the hot asphalt of stressful planning. “During the wedding, no one will be allowed to bug us or need a favor,” I say. “It’ll just be you and I, safe in our love bubble.” I think anxiously about the wandering around and greeting of the guests, but when I remember that my best friend and I will be arm and arm showing off our perfect match I gain confidence and feel assured.
I don’t aim to be a brat on my wedding day, but I do plan on (and even visualize) letting myself indulge–a lot. I don’t want to be rushed or bossed around (it’s a Latino family thing), nor do I want any negative thinking. Obviously, I don’t want any negativity throughout the party or the guests, but I really don’t want negative thinking to encroach my brain.
I’m banning any thoughts like, “My arms look fat,” or “I don’t deserve this. I’m broken goods,” or “I’m not as successful as I should be.” No shoulds allowed. I’m hoping to transcend my insecurities. On a regular basis, I do tend to worry too much about the state of others, rather than the state of myself. So, on the big day, especially knowing that all the food and decorations etc. are taken care of for the guests, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t fully embrace feelings of pride and satisfaction.
My hubby-to-be and I are not only attached to each other, we know–based on evidence/experience–that we bring out the best of ourselves, whether apart while at work or together trying to pick a movie to watch. Call it emotional support, a strong partnership or even co-dependency. Whatever it is, it’s working and growing in the right direction. If I were a plant, my leaves have never been greener.
It seems like a no brainer, remembering to be happy and confident on the day of your wedding, but after enduring the stressful planning process of the wedding, I can easily see how on the big day, one could get caught up in the imperfections of some centerpiece or the state and comfort of the guests. So, here I am, not only letting you know that my wedding day will be epic and sparkly but also reminding myself too. Just me, my beau and my bling bling.
I’m so pleased to announce that three of my poems, “Slots,” “Scraping” and “Make a Decision” have been published in Barking Sycamores Literary Magazine Issue 13. Barking Sycamores is dedicated to neurodivergent literature and its craft. I’m so honored to be a part of this project. Barking Sycamores Issue 13
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